Things I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me… May 29, 2009

OK, so it won’t take a brain surgeon to figure out I am not a huge proponent of abstinence-only sex education… it’s a pleasant theory in concept — I would lovelovelove to believe that The Daughter will soar through her teenaged and college years without ever looking at the opposite sex until, magically, he appears in graduate (medical? law?) school and sweeps her off her feet with a (certified conflict-free) diamond ring and they wait til their wedding night to consummate their marriage and then have 2.3 adorable children — buuuuut… I was a teenager. 3.5 year ago. I was in college. 2 years ago. I know what it’s like. I mean, the Duggers are likely onto something (though I’m not going to lie, I secretly can’t wait til one of their 18 childrens and counting comes out as a bad egg), but sadly, as a former teen mom I don’t have the luxury of moving to the middle of no where, building my own house, homeschooling The Daughter, dressing in weird hybrid-Amish fashion, and most importantly of all, getting an abstinence-only haircut (don’t lie — you know what I’m talking about — the kind of hair that works as an anti-sex aura around your general face and head area… the bigger the better to keep those boys away!). So in the meantime, I have a great alternative plan to keeping kids off the premarital sex: a reality check.

 

As previously mentioned, I have definitely been guilty of being involved in “don’t have sex ’til you’re married of you’ll die of a lethal pregnancy/AIDS/herpes trifecta illness” types of public speaking engagements at local high schools (it was East Tennessee! I was 19! I didn’t know better!) but the fact remains that the typical Lifetime after-school special approach doesn’t really work as a “reality check” — babies are still cute. Period. However, I think if abstinence only education took the cutie babies out of the equation and focused on the other, more surly (and less discussed) consequences of pregnancy and childbirth, they might just be on to something. Here they are, in no particular order:

1. The Episiotomy. OK, so I didn’t know about this until I was reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting (post-conception of The Daughter obvi.). I’m sure grown-up moms have had a chance to hear about these, but I only knew that babies came out of the general vaginal area and that if that didn’t pan out, they did a C-Section. I wasn’t so keen on the whole idea of pushing something that weighed pounds out of an area I could hardly get a tampon into without crying, so imagine my horrific discovery about this barbaric procedure: they CUT YOU TO MAKE MORE ROOM. Snip, snip, stitch, stitch. I got queasy and light-headed reading about it and would lay awake at night clutching my poor crotch and wondering if time travel had been perfected so I could avoid this whole situation, but more importantly, avoid this modern-day, hospital-approved torture known as the episiotomy. I don’t know, maybe it was just me who freaked out about this, but it seriously worried me more than most other things like how I was going to pay for diapers or if I was going to be able to finish high school. Now before people start panicking like PETA members around fur coats and schedule their sterilization procedures… As someone who has indeed had an episiotomy, I can now say this: it was no big deal. There was so much else going on I didn’t even feel it or know that it had been done, but… classes of high schoolers in sex ed don’t have to know this. Episiotomies sound scary and that’s all that matters. Video imagery could be especially effective.

2. Hemorrhoids. So maybe you have a senile grandmother who sits around asking for her donut to sit on the relieve her anal pains (or maybe that was just me and you have no idea what I am talking about)… but in addition to giving birth to your adorable bundle of joy, sunshine, and unicorns all wrapped into one precious, heavenly package, you will also give birth to the most obnoxious medical condition known to mankind: hemorrhoids. And it will make you feel like an old lady. You will waddle around and want to take hot baths and worry about things like fiber intake to ensure they never appear in your life (but more importantly your anus) again. Show pictures of hemorrhoids in conjunction with the episiotomy video for maximum effectiveness.

3. The Pubescent, Postpartum Body. Even at 23, I think forlornly of my high school body (I know, I know, I need to shut up because it’s going to get way, way worse from here). Teenagers just don’t know what it is they have. Puberty makes people all kinds of crazy — your arms are too long for a year and you look like an ape, you’re sure your left foot is larger than your right by at least a shoe size, etc etc etc — in high school, those things begin to recitify themselves even though you don’t necessarily recognize it at the time… however, pregnancy puts an abrupt halt to all the fun and games. Weight gain, stretch marks, swollen feet, insane boob size fluctuations (that end abruptly with way less perky breasties), crazy hair growth and its subsequent falling out… and then there’s the related life complications these body changes cause such as the inability to reach one’s feet or comfortably fit into a school desk to take the SAT at Broughton High School. Ouch. The list goes on and on… just bring in a pregnant teenager and have her show the hemorroid pictures and episiotomy video and you might just have the most effective abstinence-only class ever.

 

Anyways, obviously the government needs to hire me to be running their sexual education programming, but in the meantime, make good life decisions and before you are tempted to participate in activities of the romantical nature, just think about this entry and the content contained therewithin. You’ll think twice. You’re welcome in advance.